The battle last night.

How does this pain serve me? I lay in my bed hitting my own aching heart with an open palm as if I want to hurt it back. My thoughts linger in the dark. I try to take deep breaths. I didn't ask for this fight. Did I? Regardless, here we are. I choose to not resort to distractions, I stay in the dark to face it. I reach out asking for help from anything. There is no force in the universe that wants me to be happy. Not now. There is no guarantee that this is going to work out. I tried so hard to prove myself wrong. You never feel so alone as when you start a fight with yourself. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. I tell myself over and over. A mantra that I pray to myself will, in some way, ease this painful tension and drop me into sleep. I sit up in my room and wonder if consciousness is the one advantage I have. Falling asleep feels like I am handing all control over to my mind. There is no feeling of loneliness quite like not trusting your own mind. I know I didn't have long left before I lost this battle to unconsciousness. I feel like it is ripping me in from my heart. My eyes are beginning to stick from tears. I reach out to a few friends and drink some plant medicine to as an almost last attempt for reinforcement. I read a friends text telling me to take a moment to breath in what she is sending me as I slowly give in. Falling into the deepest void I know...

 

Here I am now. I made it to the morning. I woke to snow outside my window. A peaceful contrast to the night before. It is very quiet. As if the world set a scene for me to reflect on. What was I even fighting? I close my eyes in shame and shake my head. This fight was all too familiar. Blinded by fear and sadness I fought myself. The harder I fought the more it hurt, and I fought so hard. I accept that I was defeated last night. Im okay with knowing that as there is no way of ever winning this fight. In fact the thought of “winning” that fight terrifies me. Slow down. Be calm.

 

take a breath. mistakes are made in this life.

take a breath. some fights were meant to be lost.

take a breath. there are truths hard to face.

take a breath. some nights are better then others.

take a breath. it's okay to hurt.

take a breath. you will forget this and fight again one day.

take a breath.

 

There is beauty to be found in suffering. There are powerful lessons to be learned from pain. Darkness can show us true light. There may not be a force that is striving for us to be happy. There may not be a guarantee that things work out in the way you want them. This all may just be chaos. And that is a hard thought to face. I am left with a deeper truth. A foundation to build something bigger. A stripping of a delusional responsibility. And a tangible truth that -I am- Just relax and listen. Take a breath and breath it all in. Everything is temporary. Let the current take you. Life will be beautiful again.  

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Journal entry #3

As I sit on this planet I sometimes wonder how these creatures handle being human. Honestly it seems like it would be impossible to bear the weight of life. To bear the weight of what can and what will happen to each and everyone of them. It's not until something actually happens that I finally understand. A natural balance blooms and you realize that there is beauty in the dark.

Journal entry #2

I have had this thought that keeps popping into my head. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I am still trying to figure out exactly what it means but as far as I can tell its a theory that we are dying all the time. Every time we go to sleep. All those times when we pass out after drinking too much or those gaps between when we dont see close friends or family for a long time. When life gets crazy and we feel drained. When we get hurt or hurt someone else. Every time we blink even. This idea pops into my head sometimes when looking at old pictures I have taken or during long drives when Ill just think to myself "I wonder how many times I have died?" The thought will be followed with a dreamlike mindset. That everything is a dream and that we dont really die at all.... Even though this is mostly nonsense, these thoughts are still my favorite part of my time being human. Being able to question our reality is pretty great. So why not let it get weird.

Journal entry #1

The back story- Humans have eyes that only see so much. I would say that their biggest downfall has been relying too heavily on what they can only see. So who am I? I guess I am a mix of what you would refer to as an extraterrestrial being and a figment of the imagination. I am here to document the last remaining years of humans existence on Earth. This is my catalog of what I find fascinating and, in my opinion, are the driving force behind what made the human race so unique. We have a lot to learn from the beauty and destruction that humans have brought to such a welcoming and nurturing planet.

Earth is a very layered planet. Humans reach beyond what they know and call it imagination. I wounder if they understand what their imagination truly is? I wonder if they will have time to realize that the creations that come from their minds can be more real than what they now refer to as real life?